LAWYER’S HAGADAH
[ANNOTATED]
Pesach is a Jewish vacation of freedom, celebrated with rituals, symbolism and excessive overeating. The capstone is the Seder, a correct meal in response to a information referred to as the Haggadah. Since many attorneys are Jewish, and since, and not using a code or rulebook (i.e. Haggadah), these attorneys may be like fish (eg gefilte) out within the open (Purple Sea, and so on.), right here is the primary Haggadah designed for the authorized occupation ( and such Jewish members as are affiliated or included therein).
ORDER
The Passover Seder has a number of components (which time period consists of any and all segments, steps, and parts herein), together with however not restricted to the next (as they might be modified, revised, or supplemented, sometimes, by rabbinic or different authorized authorities, whether or not now recognized or later anointed):
- Kaddesh: Let’s pray a blessing over a dry martini. Make it double.
- Urchatz: We’re reminded of the Code of Ur, one of many earliest authorized codes, which preceded Hammurabi by 300 years.
- [Ed. Note: At this mention, some celebrants chant: Take THAT, Hammurabi!]
- [Ed. Note: But not many, since Hammurabi beat Moses by 1,000 years.]
- Karpas: We have fun the Legislation of Ur which requires that each automobile go on the left (If a person passes on the proper, he pays two shekels of silver, and the opposite driver can key his automobile.)
- Yachatz: We assault and do violence to the cat.
- Maggid: We recount the story of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt in excruciating element, however barely point out the hero Moses.
- [Ed. Note: This seems ungrateful, except modern scholars now believe that, rather than the Bibles 2 million Hebrews, Moses traveled to Israel with a small group.]
- [Ed. Note: Possibly just Mrs. Moses.]
SEDER PLATE
The Seder plate incorporates the next symbolic objects:
- Parsley: This image of nature reminds attorneys to cease and scent the herb gardens (whereas avoiding trespassing or trespassing).
- Bitter herbs: This reminds us that many attorneys, together with some named Herb, need to endure the bitterness of non-proprietary partnership.
- Egg: This ldl cholesterol image warns us that companions who routinely spend their advertising and marketing budgets on Michelin-starred eating places can take Humpty-Dumpty form.
- Decrease leg: It is a reminder that each regulation agency has somebody who is aware of the place the our bodies are buried. [Ed. Note: Watch your back!]
- Charoset: This paste, composed of apples, nuts and wine, reminds us {that a} profitable regulation agency (or tv authorized drama) wants attorneys who stick collectively. [Ed. Note: Alcohol also helps.]
- Orange (non-obligatory): This reminds us that for years the authorized discipline excluded ladies, simply because the Seder plate excluded oranges. [Ed. Note: Until Jews flocked to Florida and seder plates began to display oranges, sunscreen and mahjong tiles.]
KIDDUSH
The primary huge seder prayer is Kiddush, or a blessing over drunkenness. The Haggadah instructs us to drink 4 cups of wine: New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, Burgundian Pinot Noir, Napa Valley Chardonnay, and Barbera dAlba from Piedmont (however provided that your seder features a pot roast; in any other case, a pleasant Chianti Classico).
These 4 cups characterize an ever-increasing intoxication, which ends once you can’t inform Moses from the burning bush. [Ed. Note: This is known to Jewish lawyers as DUI, or Davening Under the Influence.]
Earlier than consuming every glass, we are saying a particular blessing: “Reward be to you, our Lord or Girl, who created fruit, together with grapes, that may be fermented into wine, that may be shipped in interstate commerce (in response to twenty first modification), which may be regulated by blue legal guidelines (proclaimed constitutional in Brownfield), which my father purchased for 2 I slim it down ( Schnorrer!). AMEN.”
FOUR CHILDREN
The Torah talks about 4 youngsters: the Clever, the Depraved, the One who shyly wears a three-piece swimsuit, and the One who doesn’t know tips on how to preserve monitor of billable hours.
How a few Clever man who handed the LSAT checks? If you happen to’re so good, how come it took you six tries to get yesterday’s Wordle?
To the unholy, who retains shouting, I object, what do you say? By complaining, you trigger disrespect in your companion, particularly those that forgot to complain. Lower it out.
What do you say to the Idiot, who needed to repeat the bar examination twice? Don’t fret, no shopper will ask you in case you handed on the primary strive. Then add the ominous: However in case you fail once more, we withdraw the job provide.
And to the one who does not know tips on how to ask a query, what do you say? Go to interrogation class, idiot. And do not ask questions you do not know the reply to! Then allude to OJs glove.
FOUR QUESTIONS
Why is that this evening completely different from all different nights?
- All different nights we settle for work in case of accidents. Why we refuse to take emergency circumstances tonight and Require a big holder?
- All different evenings we drink martinis further dry. Why will we add two olives on this evening and name it soiled so long as we put on a small cap?
- Each different evening we are saying issues like why, to any extent further, and, I am paid. Why will we this evening, led by visiting attorneys, communicate in neo-Shakespearean dialect and as an alternative say: subsequently, hereafter, and, For one greenback ($1.00) and different good and helpful consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of that are hereby acknowledged ? [Ed. Note: Really, why? Do lawyers think they are paid by the syllable?]
- All different evenings we finish the meal with heartburn or indigestion. Why is it that we each have heartburn tonight and Digestive problems?
- Some attorneys add a particular fifth query: All different pads are white and are 11″ lengthy. Why are authorized pads yellow, 14″ lengthy, and unimaginable to slot in most submitting cupboards?
TEN LAWYERS’ HALLS
The Bible describes 10 plagues that struck the Egyptians. Listed below are 10 plagues that plague fashionable attorneys:
- Debt of the College of Legislation
- Socratic professors
- Billable hours
- Latin phrases
- Not sufficient retainers
- Deadbeat purchasers
- Malpractice premiums
- Disciplinary process
- Choiceless challenges
- Slaughter 2 tax-deductible martini lunches
CEREMONIAL OBJECT
Settle in for a multi-course, multi-course meals extravaganza. That is additionally a good time for discourse; listed below are a number of extra questions to think about:
- If you happen to talk about a shopper’s enterprise over dinner, (1) have you ever violated moral guidelines, even if in case you have skillfully disguised identities (let’s name our shopper Shmeye-BM), and (2) are you able to cost the shopper for the meal or simply deduct it as a enterprise expense ?
- Would the truth that God introduced us out of Egypt, with out punishing the Egyptians for his or her prison enslavement, actually be sufficient (to Dayen!), or would we complain for generations?
- Why could not God shorten each Deuteronomy (all these legal guidelines!) and the Sabbath in order that we will store on the mall on the Sabbath?
- Many Haggadahs describe Rabbi Eleazar ben Azaryah as a person of seventy years. How is that? Nostril hair? The grandfather of denims? Additionally, if all the times of your life embody nights, does all of the tea in China embody Taiwan?
- If you happen to assume an inflation price of 1.07% because the sixteenth century, how a lot are two zuzim price in at this time’s {dollars}?
CONCLUSION
Many attorneys recite the ultimate blessing: “Bless you, Lord, Chief Justice of the REAL Supreme Court docket, who permits judges to complete their work day at 3-4 pm, which permits attorneys to get house in time for a seder, and, within the diaspora, two seders. [Ed. Note: Though the second is usually shorter and less enthusiastic.] Amen.”
It’s customary to conclude with hope: Subsequent yr in Jerusalem. However we’re attorneys, so we substitute: See you in courtroom! (However we are saying that with a smile, so everybody is aware of we do not imply it and can file for arbitration as an alternative.)
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